I will not settle.

I still pray for you because my Father has called me to be obedient to that.
I still think of you for the laughs and fun we shared.
I still wonder about the future that you promised, but ultimately couldn't deliver or wouldn't deliver. At times, I wonder if I will ever know why or will ever be able to move forward from that.
I wonder if I will ever be able to trust another man with my heart or if I am destined to live this life apart from those desires of my heart.

I trust my Abba; I will not settle.
I know who I am and to whom I belong.
I know whose daughter I am.
I will not settle.

I know how to love.
I know how to do battle with the one who chooses me against the wars waged by the world.
I will not fight for that space in your life when you are not choosing me.
I will not hold onto hope forever, wondering if you will ever choose me.

I will live.
I will rebuild.
I will dream and go after those dreams.

I will be a part of something larger than myself - I will be a part of their stories.

I will be available to be used by GOD in whatever manner he sees fit.
I will trust in Him.

When

So there is this question that I seem to face rather often, it is both simple and complex.


When?


That's it and yet it is so loaded because inevitably the when is followed with another phrase.


When? When are you going to get married?
When? When are you going to buy a house?
When? When are you going to settle down?
When?  When are you going to realize this is all you will ever have?
When? When will you see that it doesn't matter?
...and so much more


So many when's. All of these when questions all come down to one main question, "When are you going to live up to our expectations for your life?" I am so glad that I do not live for the validation of others in my life because all too often for many family members and friends, I do not live up to their expectation because I am single and I do not have children. I do, however, live with the constant affirmation, approval, and love of my Father.


I may not live in the place where some people think I should or be at the expected "right" stage of life, but I am living in the very center of God's will for my life. Living life in that manner is better than living up to anyone else's expectations for my life. I do have the expectation of one day meeting the man of God who will be my forever person and building a life and family with them, however, I am patient enough (through the grace of God) to wait for him. I will not rush into it simply to be at the "right" stage of life as decided by other people.


There is more to be done in this season. I trust that this season will last as long as it is intended to and not one moment longer. God is faithful in his promises to us. Period. So, I will do what I can in this season to draw ever more intimate with Him and be available to His leading at ALL times. This season of singleness has allowed me to drop everything to come to the aide of family, friends, students, and strangers in situations that would have been even more difficult if I was also balancing a family and husband. I am more than my relationship status. I am more than the type of building I live in. I am more than the positions and jobs that I hold. I am a daughter of the MOST HIGH GOD and am about My Father's Business. I am known. Beloved. Called.


...and so are you.

Breaking But Not Broken

This weekend I was driving to my sister and brother-in-law's house for a birthday celebration. Due to issues with roads from recent flooding, I was forced to take the back roads. I came to this realization only at finding myself at a detour that would take me further away from their house. So, I doubled back to go a different way.  I enjoy driving, especially through the country, and especially during autumn. I love the changing colors, the crispness of the air, and the peace of the outdoors.


It was during this drive that I encountered a song that ended up getting stuck on repeat, well selected to repeat. Driving through the backwoods, I was in a country music mood and stumbled across the song Break On Me by Keith Urban. The thing about being real and authentic and someone who lives in the depths, is that sometimes things hit you in ways you weren't expecting or prepared for. That is what happened with this song. One moment, I am enjoying a leisurely drive through the country smiling at the scenery and the next, I am gripping the wheel as tears drop into my lap.


The song goes like this...

There'll be days your heart don't wanna beat
You pray more than you breathe
And you just wanna fall to pieces
And nights, those two AM calls
Where dreams become walls
And you just need a break

Break on me

Shatter like glass
Come apart in my hands
Take as long as it takes, girl
Break on me
Put your head on my chest
Let me help you forget
When your heart needs to break
Just break on me

There'll be times when someone you know
Becomes someone you knew
But you'd do anything to change it
And words you wanna take back
But you know you can't
When the page just won't turn
And it still hurts

Break on me

For a while now, I have felt like my life is continuously breaking. Just when one area calms down or gets smoothed out, another falls to pieces. I have struggled with balancing the breaking with the reality that my life is to serve and lead others. It has been difficult to finally realize that both can happen at the same time; they are not mutually exclusive.

If I am to be completely open and honest, I have struggled because it feels like there is no one who can truly handle the weight if I were to release everything and just break. I am blessed with friends and family who support me and also me to release some things. Also, it is hard to trust others with your broken pieces because not everyone who asks how you are actually care; some just want to be in the business enough to talk about you or put you down to others.

Mostly, I do not like to burden others, so many things I keep to myself and between myself and God. It is hard to feel like you are holding broken glass in your hands so that it doesn't shatter someone else's life, only to realize that by holding on to the broken pieces, your hands are being shredded in the process. 

The person I could break on fully is gone from this place to a place with no pain, sorrow, or suffering. My dad was someone who I knew could handle my brokenness and still remind me of the strength I possessed even in that brokenness. Then, I had to learn the hard way that not every man who says they are going to be there for you in life and wants a future with you, will  always be able to make good on that statement - yet again no one to break on and just be me with. Then to think of the tiredness I feel from holding my broken pieces even as others are showering me with theirs. (Side note - I am grateful that God has put me in the lives of people who trust me enough to bring me their trials and victories for prayer and hope. I pray that no matter how hard things get in this life, that God would continue to always send me people who need encouragement, love, support, prayer, and hope.)

All of those thoughts ran through my mind and an incomprehensible speed and they left me at a loss for words. All I could do was listen to the song, let the tears fall from my eyes as I blinked, and drive on. As the song replayed, I could feel God beginning to speak to my heart, saying:

"Baby girl. You can break. You can break on me.

I know you. I formed you.

I see you.

I love you.

You are breaking, BUT YOU ARE NOT BROKEN.

It is in this breaking, that I am transforming you

from this season to the next.

There is pain and heartache. I don't like to see you hurting,

but know that I am with you in this process.

I don't leave you to struggle alone.

I am piecing you together in a new way that has never been seen before.

I am piecing you together for a purpose that has not yet been accomplished.

Trust me. Remain in me.

I am good and I am for your good,

even when it does not feel good.

It's okay to break. Give me the pieces.

Stop holding them. Release them to me.

I am using them in a new way.

Trust me. I've got you."

It is not easy to share this, as it is intensely personal. However, I believe that there are others who are doing what I was. Others who are holding their shattered pieces with hands being torn apart. Others who are breaking on people who can't handle their weight or don't truly care. Others who are breaking internally and hiding it by jumping from thing to thing or relationship to relationship or job to job. Others who are breaking by hiding it because they feel that since they are in leadership that they always have to "have it all together."

Just stop. It is okay to be breaking --- YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. Let the pieces go because the same words God spoke to me are true for you. This is the time of transformation. Trust Him with all the pieces and know that what He is creating in you is going to be more amazing that anything you could do with yourself.

  

When It's Over

After a breakup, it is difficult to find a new rhythm. It takes time - time to rediscover who you are, what you like, what you want, where you want to be, and where you actually are. That is just the beginning; the real work comes when it is time to mend and repair your heart. Thankfully, God is a master at taking what is broken, melting it down, and rebuilding anew.  It has been a few months since I faced a really difficult breakup. Many people in my life were excited that he and I were no longer together because of their own opinions and were very vocal in their joy that we were no longer in a relationship. Those statements only served to further break my heart. He was a good man. He was just not the man for me, nor was I the woman for him. It is what it is.


For me, it was one of those prayerful seasons of claiming and asking for God's perfect will for my life and for his life even if it meant that our lives would not continue together. When you pray those prayers, you must be ready and willing to accept the response. It took my breath away when it happened and continued to steal my breath during moments over the months to come. I do not give love lightly or easily. Nor do I date widely or haphazardly. I know that I am not for just anyone or everyone, therefore not everyone will be given access to me or my heart.


Over the past months, God has brought me into an ever-deepening and ever-widening understanding of His Presence, Purpose, Timing, and Will. These months have had me on my face and my knees more than naught and I am not embarrassed to say so. Rather, I hope that my transparency in this will provide you hope that if you find yourself in a similar situation in the future or currently, that you will press in to God and trust Him to combat the waves and trials you face in the aftermath of a broken relationship. The last month or so, I have felt peace and a calm that is only attributed to God. In this time, I knew that I had moved on and it was finally over - my heart was healed and I could step out and forward into the unknown.


Hah - was I ever humbled when out of nowhere something popped up that brought it all to the forefront and I got upset OUT OF NOWHERE! I couldn't believe it; I just knew that I was done. I trusted God; I was healed. Then, just like that God brought me to a place - a hidden and hurting place wherein I found one last stronghold of pain, doubt, and fear. I opened up to a couple amazing women of God in my life and found myself being stretched, encouraged, and challenged to attack the stronghold and finally let go the last pieces that unknowingly I had been holding on to.


So, I did. I attacked that stronghold from a position of victory - my knees. I took it to God, surrendered it all and then took action. I removed reminders of him and disposed of them. I became conscious of attacking the thoughts that would pop up and remind me of him or our adventures together. It is not a one-and-done type of deal; I'm sure that I will face further attacks, but I will face them as I did this, from my knees with the knowledge that I operate from victory.


So, to pull it all together:
- Have people in your life that can push in, stretch you, and encourage you to step up to where you ought to be. Live in community, just make sure that the voices you are listening to are coaches, not critics.
- Being broken doesn't mean you are a failure, it means that God is ready and waiting to rebuild you in His image for His purpose.
- Faith is a journey, that is why 2 Corinthians 5:7 says, "For we walk by faith, not by sight."


I am not pained by errant thoughts any longer. I am open to where God is leading. I am able to stand in the knowledge that I am not for everyone and will not make myself available to just anyone. God uses the process to develop us and teach us to press in to His presence continuously, no matter our circumstances.












"That's When You Know It's Over"

"When the time of the year don't stir up the tears anymore
When it don't feel like the past is a gun and there's nowhere to run anymore
When it don't take every bone to not dial her [his] number just leave her [him] alone

That's when you know it's over
That's when you know you've made it over to the other side,
Ready for another ride
That's when you know it's over

When you wouldn't go back even if you could
When hearing she's [he's] happy finally feels good

That's when you know it's over"

and if not, HE is still good

"and if not, He is still good" is based on Daniel 3:18 when Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego are responding to King Nebuchadnezzar. In this moment, the three men are basically telling King Nebuchadnezzar that he can save his threats because God is bigger and can rescue them from anything the king could do to them. More than that, though, they say, even if God did not rescue them, HE is still good and they would do nothing different. They would still make the choice to serve God in spite of the threats of Nebuchadnezzar or the potential consequences. 


"and if not, He is still good" has been with me many days in the last few seasons of my life. This past year has been amazing and difficult all at the same time. I have faced disappointments when my expectations did not line up with my reality. I have faced betrayals of people I allowed into my closest circle. I have faced friends and loved ones deal with life-threatening illnesses. I have walked through the pains, sorrows, and joys of life with my friends and my family, all the while holding most of myself to myself. Holding on to "and if not, He is still good." 

So, no matter where you are tonight, just know, "and if not, HE is still good."

Different Levels

Don't get me wrong, I hope that one day you change.




Just understand that I am not going to be there when you do.




I cannot wait for you to change for me.




I get a little bit stronger every day; I cry a little less and smile a little more.




I know that you and I were something real.




I did love you fully with everything that I had within me.




You loved me with all that you had; our love was just on different levels.


You waded in puddles when I swam in oceans.

The arms of my Father

The times in my life that I have felt the most secure, guarded, and safe were times when I found myself within my Father's arms. My father was strong all of his life; he was athletic and active and just had this strength he exuded. It was more than physical strength, though, for he also had a strength of character.

That strength permeated our house, our family, and our very lives. I loved nothing more, when I was a little girl, than being engulfed in my father's hug. It was in those moments, that I knew that nothing in the world could ever get to me, no pain, no harm, and no heartbreak because if it tried to get at me, my father would shut it down. Even as I grew up, I loved my father's hugs. It didn't matter how tall I got or how old I was, there was this sense of home and security within those arms. When life was hard, those arms held me tight and his deep voice would speak straight to my heart as he said, "Punk. It's okay. I've got you. You can do this. It will get better. You are going to do amazing things because you care about people. So don't let this, right now, make you stop. Keep going. Love ya, Punk."

Fast forward a few years to when my Dad's time here was drawing to a close.  The last evening my father was conscious, up and moving, and talking, the time came to go to bed. I went to him for a hug and to say goodnight. He gripped me as tightly as he could and said good night. I turned to head towards the stairs and something within me made me stop and go back to him. I embraced him in a hug to the fullness of my strength and told him I loved him. He smiled and said, "Alright. That's enough now. Go to bed. I love you, Punk." How thankful I am for that embrace and his words. The next day, my dad spoke for the final time and began to go from this temporary place to our eternal home. Although, I gave my father more hugs during that time, that night before held the final embrace, the final impartation of strength and love in his hug and words.

In the days, months, and now years since his death, I have missed my Dad's words, his laughter, and his hugs. Very soon after my Dad died, I realized that I had to run to arms of my God, my Heavenly Father. The shelter, refuge, and quiet place I found therein was restorative and filling. In times of trial, heartbreak, disappointment, and betrayal, I run to the arms of the one who created me, the one whose strength is unfailing, and the one who uses all things for my good.

So no matter where you find yourself in this moment, know that you are not alone. You are not unseen. You are loved and our Father has his arms open to receive you, strengthen you, restore you, and love you. His arms are long and his embrace is large enough to meet every need. So, run to God; it is there strength, hope, peace, courage, deliverance, forgiveness, and love are found and sustained. The security and safety you are searching for is not found in the arms of another, in your financial stability, or your pride, it is found in the arms of our loving Father.

What is Good?

Even when it doesn't feel good, help me to know that it is for good.


It is a misconception that things get easy for you when you are a Christian. The premise is that when you become a follower of Christ, problems disappear and struggles evaporate. However, the truth is completely opposite of that. This is not meant as a discouragement, but as a battle cry! When you seek God and press into him, you will begin to level up. Leveling up does not equal gaining more advantage, accolades, and rights. Rather, leveling up means that the battles to be faced will be more challenging because as you level up, you are pressing into the Presence of God and growing more intimate with Him.

I remember playing Super Mario Bros on our Nintendo system when I was growing up. At the end of every level, you had to battle a bad guy. As you continued through the levels, the bad guys were trickier and harder to beat. It is the same when doing battle in life as you level up. I can remember calling out for my Dad when things got hard or I lost a life when doing battle against one of those brutes. My Dad would take over the controls and defeat the enemy; how fortunate we are that our Heavenly Father does the same thing when we are in the midst of a difficult battle. We must simply cry out and release the control to Him, then watch as He defeats the enemy.

Not everything you encounter in this life will be good. Our prayer needs to be that when we encounter difficulty, struggle, adversity, brokenness, loss, doubt, and other difficult circumstances, that we know that everything is for good and can be used for good. This is repeated throughout the Bible in many passages; two of my favorites on this topic are Genesis 50:20 and Romans 8:28.

You intended to harm me,

but God intended it for good

 to accomplish what is now being done,

the saving of many lives.

Genesis 50:20

And we know that

in all things

God works for the good

of those who love him,

who^[a] have been called

according to his purpose. 

Romans 8:28

Sometimes we will lose battles, but that does not mean we are defeated. It means that we are to learn something through that experience and rise up to do battle again. When we release it to God, everything we encounter is used by God FOR our good. We have all been harmed by others, whether intentionally or unintentionally. In the pain following that harm, we have two options; we can become angry and bitter or we can release it to God and see how He uses it for our good. It doesn't mean it will be easy or pleasant always, but it does mean that He will walk it out with us until we see the good in it. Why? It is simple; it is because He is faithful!

Losing Breath

In facing adversity and trial, there will be times that I may lose my breath, but I will keep breathing. I may fall down, but I will stand again. It is not from my strength, but from the strength of He who is in me, of him who is strong in my weakness.

It is because of all I have been through that I know that I know that I know that I know, that God is always with me and loves me deeper and more fully than anyone or anything imaginable.

So I will keep breathing. I will keep pushing. I will keep praying. I will keep living and walking by faith, one step at a time. Even when it feels like I cannot stand due to the sheer amount of bruises and wounds, I will rise. I will rise because God is not finished with me yet, nor is he done using me. I will continue to make myself available to Him at all times, regardless of the cost. Even in this season of isolation and separation, when people I depended on and thought were in my life to do forever with me have abandoned and discarded me, I am not alone.

No matter what comes against me, no matter what battles I have yet to face, I will keep pressing forward. I will keep breathing.

A Father's Heart

This year of my life has been pretty epic thus far. With three months left until my next birthday, Father's Day having just past, and one day of the first camp of the season coming to a close, I find myself in a rather pensive state. I am reflecting on all that has happened during this year of my life and in the three years since my dad went on from this place to heaven.

This year started a new decade in my life, as I turned 30. It has been both incredible and destructive and around every turn I have wanted nothing more than a conversation with my Dad. 30 has afforded me many interesting opportunities that I have faced head-on and tackled including finding a new apartment to buying a new vehicle.

30 has also seen love and heartbreak as I began a relationship with a man, with whom I saw the potential to spend the rest of my life with. A man I loved deeply and dearly and would have walked through fire or storm with. That relationship was not to last and caused a lot of pain and heartache. But GOD! When you yield everything to Him and say, "Only your perfect will, will do," you have to be ready for anything and everything. So while that relationship was real and substantial, ultimately God had other plans for him and for myself. In the moments following the ending of that relationship, all I wanted was an enveloping hug from my father and to hear the words, "It's all right, Punk. It will get better from here. You are enough. You are more. You will be okay." Although, I could not hear those words from him, I felt them and that has to be enough.

There have been so many things that I have faced in the three years since my father's death and every time, without fail, I always think about what he would be doing or saying if he was here for these moments. Understand, I know that my father is in a place of joy where there is no more sorrow, suffering, or pain. He is in heaven singing "Holy, Holy, Holy." He is dancing at the feet of Jesus. That image brings me solace and hope. The last three years have seen God do an incredible work in my heart and life from unfathomable honors and blessings to harrowing failures. I do not regret any decisions or choices I have made. I have learned. I have loved. I will continue to press on until I, too, am called home.

So, although this first year of my thirties will rapidly come to a close, I am by no means finished. I will push harder, shout louder, love deeper, pray without limitations, and pour myself out on everyone and every thing that surrounds me. I will believe GOD for everything that HE has planned for me. I will continue to dream "impossible" dreams and live vibrantly. For anything less would be a waste.

I am a continuation of my Father's heart in this world, in my family, and in my life. I am part of his legacy and he is my heritage. So too, will I seek to see others through the eyes of my heart as my Heavenly Father commands. My heartbeat contains the rhythm of my Dad's and will always beat to the tempo of my Abba Father.

Have a good night.

What are you willing to break?

There is a song that I have loved for many years. It always seems to come back just when I need to hear it, Alabaster Box by CeCe Winans.

The room grew still as she made her way to Jesus
She stumbles through the tears that made her blind
She felt such pain, some spoke in anger
Heard folks whisper, "There's no place here for her kind."

Still on she came, through the shame that flushed her face

Until at last, she knelt before his feet

And though she spoke no words

Everything she said was heard

As she poured her love for the Master 

From here box of Alabaster

This song alludes to a story that is found in Matthew 14:3-6. 

3 While he was in Bethany, reclining at the table in the home of Simon the Leper,
a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard.
She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head.
4 Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, "Why this waste of perfume?
5 It could have been sold for more than a year's wages and the money given to the poor."
And they rebuked her harshly. 6 "Leave her alone," said Jesus. "Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me."

These verses do not convey much information about the bearer of the alabaster box except that it was worth a year's wages and that she broke the jar. For a woman in this time to sacrifice the contents of this jar was to sacrifice the security that came with a year's worth of wages; a security that was not easy to come by for a woman.

In addition, she broke the jar that was made of alabaster which is very strong. She did not need to break the jar to empty it of its contents. But, she chose to break the jar in order to make sure that every single bit of the perfume was used on Jesus and that nothing was left behind, not one ounce. 

And I've come to pour, my praise on Him

Like oil from Mary's alabaster box

Don't be angry if I wash his feet with my tears

And I dry them with my hair

You weren't there the night He found me

You did not feel what I felt

When he wrapped his love all around me and 

You don't know the cost of the oil

In my alabaster box

I can't forget the way life used to be
I was a prisoner to the sin that had me bound

And I spent my days, poured my life without measure

Into a little treasure box I'd thought I'd found

Until the day when Jesus came to me 

And healed my soul with the wonder of his touch

So now I'm giving back to Him 

All the praise He's worthy of

I've been forgiven and that's why
 I love Him so much.

All too often, we spend our days pouring our lives into things that we can hold onto and show off to the world. When we pour our lives into things for our pride, wealth, or accolades, we are setting up idols. In doing this, we are saying that our most priceless possessions are these things - our pride, wealth, accomplishments, relationships, and material items. This is not how we were meant to live our lives.

And I've come to pour, my praise on Him

Like oil from Mary's alabaster box

Don't be angry if I wash his feet with my tears

And I dry them with my hair

You weren't there the night He found me

You did not feel what I felt

When he wrapped his love all around me and 

You don't know the cost of the oil

In my alabaster box

We were created to pour our lives out onto others. In Matthew 14:3-6, it shows that the woman broke the jar of her most priceless possession in order to cover Jesus with the perfume, to give honor, in an incredible act of love. In the same way, we must break open the jars of our most priceless possessions whether they are pride, relationships, material items, et cetera. We must break them open and pour it out to Jesus, to give him all and everything. To hold nothing, not even one ounce of our life, back from Him.

He is deserving of our every breath, every thought, every spoken word, every action, and every beat of our heart. Pour out your life to Him and He will show you how to pour your life out onto the people surrounding you. As you pour out, He is faithful to fill and refill you so that you may be poured out again. It is in this, that we find that perfect fulfillment of our lives. 

Conscious love

Our love must be conscious and must be relevant. It must be authentic and it must be genuine.  So, too, must our ministries strive to be the same thing - a conscious, intentional, active love.

All too often, love is seen as this ambiguous thing that made up of rainbows and fluffy bunnies, or the looks that love-struck middle school students exchange. Or more commonplace in contemporary society and especially in the dating scene, love is misconstrued as the attention we receive from someone of the opposite gender.

Love is so much more than that. Love is both noun and verb. Love is emotion and choice. Love is choosing to stick with someone in the darkest of days and lowest of valleys, as well as in the triumphs of life. Love is choosing to fight through the battles with each other and not fight against each other. Love is putting another and their needs above your own. Love is words. Love is thoughts. Love is action. Love is. Love does. Love will continue to do.

We are able to love only as much as we know love. We know love from God and when we are consumed and filled with that love, we are able to pour out that love to others. We must also see ourselves through the lens of love. All to often, when we look in the mirror, we only see our flaws, mistakes, and past wrongs. We need to see the reflection that God sees - a son or daughter who is made perfect through the blood of Jesus Christ. A son or daughter who is loved beyond all measure and whose worth was determined by their Creator, not based on the views of people they have encountered in this life, nor is it based on the mistakes and wrongs of their past. We must truly love ourselves in order to selflessly love others.

What does love do?
Love chooses to stay no matter what is faced.
Love speaks hope and encouragement.
Love stands up in strength when others are weak.
Love shows up when people simply need the presence of another.
Love does not judge based on past actions, rather it says, "I am here. I will remain here."
Love outlasts and overshadows death.
Love casts our fear.
Love breathes life into those who are ready to give up.
Love restores us from our past hurts and wrongdoings.
Love heals broken hearts.
Love looks into the eyes, hearts, and souls of those around us and says, "You are more. You are enough. You are precious. You are known. You are needed. You have a purpose. You are loved."
This list could go on and on forever. Real love is intentional, relational, and requires sacrifice.

So remember...
You are loved.
You can love again no matter what you have faced.
You are alive and with every breath can choose to love and love deeply.
Love God. Love this life. Love who you are. Love others.

The Bigger Picture

In life it is very easy to get wrapped up in ourselves. After all, some would say that humans are innately self-centered and selfish. However, I choose to believe the best in all people; that there is redemption for all regardless of how they have wronged or hurt me. This may make me seem foolish or weak to you; if that is the case, it is okay with me — that is your perspective after all. I just ask that you listen or rather read on to see why I believe this.

Regardless or whether or not people are innately self-centered or selfish, current society does its best to create in us the belief that our role in life is to get the best out of it for ourselves and that relationships and friendships exist for solely what we get out of them. However, I believe that nothing could be farther from the truth. We exist for that which we can supply to others' lives and for that which we can add to the existences of others, whether or not it is at our expense. In addition to the drive of society to sell us a selfish viewpoint of life, there is also this perpetual need to be busy and doing something, anything, and if you slow down at all to compare what you are doing to the lives of those around you. Busyness and selfishness are in direct opposition of loving others and being available to be a change agent in the life of another human.

Relationships are not for what we can get out of them or out of another person. Relationships are not to be played with simply so that one is not alone. Instead, relationships are for what we can pour into another human, whether it is platonic or romantic in nature. This notion has the power to be a perspective changer in that it is in direct opposition of popular belief. It is easy to believe that those circumstances that are a struggle when single will be miraculously better by being in a relationship. However, if you are not happy single, you will not be happy in a relationship. If you are not financially stable single, no relationship can save your finances or take the pressure off in that area. Relationships are not for entering into casually or as a flight of fancy because in that case one party or the other will always end up with a broken heart. We must take care of our friendships and relationships. To take care of them is to invest in them. An investment must be made in the form of time, love, encouragement, support, strength, presence, prayer, and sacrifice. When doing life with others, it will always require a sacrifice. That sacrifice will look different for every person, in every relationship, and depend on the circumstances being faced.

It is only by getting out of this societal view of selfish living that we can really begin to live. We must become less, others must become more, and Jesus must become Most! It has almost been a week since a good friend, partner in ministry, amazing wife and mother, sincere and genuine person, and a servant leader left this world to go be in the presence of Jesus. While my heart aches for the last conversations we had and to see her smile again, I know that my sorrow is merely a trifle compared to that of her husband, children, and family. This has shaken me and awaken me yet again to how we cannot allow ourselves to get wrapped up in our own individual existences. Instead, we must live this life to be poured out to all those around us whether we have been friends for 20 years, enemies for a time, spouses/significant others, coworkers, or strangers that have yet to meet on the street. I am reminded to live in such a way that every moment is made available to be used by God regardless of the sacrifice I must make.

It is in light of this circumstance and other past circumstances in my life that I choose to see the light in every single person. Every person has within them something that no other person on the planet has; it is that something that I want to draw out of everyone I encounter. I will choose to see the gold in people even where others or they themselves may see dirt. I will choose to love others regardless of our history or what they do or do not do for me. I will choose to forgive and forgive again those by whom I have been or will be hurt. You have light within you, you have hope within you, you have purpose within you, you have a future within you, you have goodness within you, and you have love in you. I see it, even if you do not. I am here. You are not alone. Even more than I see it and offer my presence, God sees it, knows it, and created it in you. You are more than you can ever imagine. So live and live well in hope and in love.

Facing challenges

This weekend held some challenges. As is often the case in my life, I set goals that are challenging and often unattainable within the timeframes allotted. I enjoy the challenge and oftentimes it keeps me from relying on myself and my strength. The strength within me is fatigable, whereas the strength that is supplied from God in my weakness is indefatigable. I love to dream dreams and have goals wherein I must say, "But, God." To break that down, I mean that I love to see and share how things in my life simply are all because of the movement, strength, grace, and love of God.

Although I enjoy a good challenge and try to rise to the occasion. The challenges faced over the weekend were not of my own doing, but rather due to another. This challenge is something that I have faced often over the last few months and is something that I thought I was over and through. However, I realized that this was simply not the case. As this realization struck me, I became overwhelmed with shame and hurt because in my way of thinking, "I should be done with this by now. I should not still be here. I should be past this by now." I am very critical of myself in terms of dealing with things in the proper timing. However, I forget that my timing is not often correct; rather the timing of God is perfect. Thus, if I am still dealing with this circumstance than there are two reasons. (1) I still have something to learn from it. (2) I still need to proffer more forgiveness.
... well maybe there are more than two reasons. (3) I need to really let it go. (4) I need to stop picking at the wound, let it heal, and trust God's plan.

God humbled me with these realizations that there is still more work to be done in this circumstance - in my heart, my head, and my spirit. There is a part of me that simply wants to be done with it all and another part that wonders if it will ever be truly done. There is a confusion that no amount of conversations with friends, mentors, or family can clear. This confusion is held at bay simply by spending prolific amounts of time on my knees, in total surrender. Yet this weekend,  I was surrounded by confusion, hurt, what-ifs, pain, unanswered questions, shame, and more.

I am thankful that God does not leave us in those moments. Rather, He steps in, grabs hold of us, and simply says, "It's okay. Just let it go. Let it all out." At least, that is what I heard in the middle of the night when I was in the middle of dealing with this. I felt as if I was truly being held in the embrace of another, being allowed to bang my fists on their shoulders, and just let it all out - everything that I've been holding in, trying to hold it all together. I was held as I just let it go.

I am still processing. I am by no means finished with this, but I have relief now in that I don't have to carry this by myself. Instead, the weight falls to the shoulders of another, one who loves me even when I don't know how. How thankful I am for a Savior who loves me in my brokenness. 

Then, on the way to work Monday morning, I heard a song that pierced my heart and let me know that I am okay. It reassured me that although choosing God's will may come with heartache, sacrifice, or sorrow, it will also come with grace, hope, and peace.

I’m so confused.
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here

I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you’re good
But, this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about

It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God.
And I am not.

 

So
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store

I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store

This song is Thy Will by Hillary Scott. Since Monday morning, I have heard this song so many times and each time it is perfect in its timing of my day. I am still going through the process. I will continue to trust God that nothing is wasted and to trust His will, plan, and timing.

If you are facing confusion, loss, doubt, heartbreak, pain, betrayal, doubt, loneliness, or anything else, know that you are seen and heard by God. Even though it does not feel good and is hard to walk through these times in life, you are not alone. I am here with you. Others have gone through it before you and others will go through it after you. In life we are always in three stages (1) preparation for the valley (2) in the lows of the valley (3) celebrating the victory of rising out of the valley to the mountaintop. So no matter what you are facing or what stage you are in, cry out to the One who always is for you, always hears you, always sees you, always is with you, and always loves you.

Let this prayer be a balm for your soul, your mind, and your heart: thy will be done.

The Value of Time

I am very eclectic in my taste of music. It ranges through a variety of genre and artist. The first time people ride with me, there is usually a comment about the vast differences in my preset stations. I know...I'll try to get to the point.

Over the past few months, there has been this song that I keep hearing. The first time I heard it, I thought that it was an interesting mix between a spoken word and song. I enjoyed the rhythm of the song; it just made me want to sway to it while listening and working. However, the more that I heard the song, I began to listen to the lyrics. They simply just break my heart...specifically this part:

 

I don't have to meet your mother
We don't have to cross that line
I don't wanna steal your covers
I just wanna take your time

I don't wanna go home with you
I just wanna be alone with you

I don't wanna steal your freedom
I don't wanna change your mind
I don't have to make you love me
I just wanna take your time

Everyone seems to love this song and many don't see any problem with the song, it's lyrics, or the statement that it makes about relationships today. So maybe it is just me and I have misinterpreted the lyrics, and if that is the case, feel free to stop reading this now. But maybe, just maybe, I am on to something here. Take a moment, hear me out, and then decide for yourself.

We are not guaranteed the amount of time we have on this planet, as such I believe that we need to value our time. In relationships, there seems to be this idea that the best thing is just to have someone there when you need them and then move on. This kind of "convenient" relationship is easy to maintain because it isn't a relationship it is a series of meet-ups with nothing substantial. The end result is that one party eventually feels more and ends up lost while the other just moves onto another person to do the same thing with. This is the type of relationship that many people have settled for where it is about getting attention, having someone to go out with, and having someone when you need them so that you are not lonely. This type of relationship is not worth the value of your time.

You are priceless and as such, your time is priceless. So while there is no problem in going out and having fun with your friends, this take your time type of relationship is the death of romance, substantial relationships, and commitment.  I am not saying that you need to know whether or not you could spend your life with someone moments after meeting them, but I am saying that the person you deserve doesn't want to simply take up your time.

The right relationship will be able adding value to your time, just as you will add value to their time. It will be about getting to know everything about you and meeting everyone in your life that is important to you. It's not an "I'll just take whatever I can get" process. Rather, it is about connecting with that person that seeks to let you know just how valuable your time is and pursues everything about you.

Again, this might not jive with everyone, but for me it speaks to the heart of relationships. The viewpoint of the world on relationships is very jaded and very skewed. For me, I don't want anymore of that. I want real. I want depth. I want value. I want intentional time with purpose. I don't want to waste my time.



Let Nothing Be Wasted

I have experienced joy, triumph, hope, victory, growth, peace, forgiveness, and love.  This life is not one-sided, however, and as such, I have also experienced defeat, sorrow, loss, pain, heartbreak, devastation, and isolation. Though my story is far from over, despite the many chapters that have already been written, there have been many lessons learned both through the good and the bad.

There is power in our stories, we have but to share them with those around us. When our stories are shared, nothing is wasted. This is my constant prayer -

Lord, let nothing be wasted.

Let no tear or terror,

no fear or failure,

no loss or heartbreak,

Let nothing be wasted.

Let no love or triumph,

no hope or joy,

no victory or process,

 Let nothing be wasted.

 

In going through life as transparent as possible, I have learned that I must allow all of me to be available to God. The stories that He chooses to use and share are not mine to contain. Every moment of our lives can be used to encourage others whether through our failings or our faithfulness. It takes making every part of you, every thought, every moment, every breath, and every heartbeat available to God. It is not easy. There are words that I have spoken to others that I had no idea that God would pour out of me to encourage them from stories less than glowing in terms of my character. It will never be easy, but it is the only way that I can live.

 

I feel deeply. I have always felt deeply. There was a time in my life that feeling so deeply caused me to run behind walls and hide the true me from the world and all those that had hurt me, as well as to prevent further harm. However, in that time I was not living, I was hiding. It took friends who loved me enough to speak the truth to pull me out of that darkness even if it hurt. From that place, I have come to another where I refuse to hide. I feel deeply. I grieve deeply. I love deeply. There is no other option in my life. This is my heart. This is how I am wired. This is me. To deny that part of me, would be to deny all of me.  Feeling deeply for all those around me can be exhausting, but I would rather be exhausted and live on the strength of God than run back behind the walls I tore down.

 

I have loved deeply and been loved in return. I have experienced love that has broken me to pieces. I do not regret loving so fully or so deeply. Nor do I have any anger for those who loved me and then left me broken. The truth is I love them still and will in some ways, always will. In the days following heartbreak, I was shattered being pieced back together by God and just praying for nothing to be wasted. Since those moments only a couple months ago, God has used me to speak life into relationships that were on the brink of destruction, to pour hope into a couple on the verge of letting go of twelve years together, and to speak life into a friend who is now walking through a situation similar to the one I just went through. He is always faithful.

 

The darkest days of my life were going through my father's battle against cancer, his death two years later, and the months following his death that I spent trying to figure out a new normal. I clung to God. It truly was all I could do. I prayed and prayed to God to let nothing be wasted, not his life, not his love, not my pain and heartache. I prayed that God would use me to speak into others going through similar circumstances. I have lost count of the people who have walked into my life at a point when they needed someone to just come alongside them as they had just been given the hard news about a parent, child, or other loved one. I praise God every time that nothing is wasted and for the strength to be available to God always, to be used by God always. It hurts every time, but I grow stronger every time, and I am used in someone else's life in just the moment they need to hear that they are not alone and that they can walk through these days. 

 

This is why, no matter the circumstance - trial or triumph, I will pray, let nothing be wasted.

I believe it. I will live it.

When You Don't Get to Know Why

There are many times in life that you will not get to know why.

Why did they have to get sick?
Why did they leave me?
Why did I say that?
Why did I leave them?
Why am I sick?
Why can't I have the job that I've worked hard for?
Why did they lie about me?
Why won't they stay?
Why can't they stop?
Why did they stop loving me?
Why won't they work for this?
Why? Why? WHY?

One of the constants in life is that we often do not get to know the why. Especially when it concerns other people in our lives. I would rather have the answers to the "why's" of life than worry with the "what if's." Questioning is part of human nature; we are detail oriented and want to know everything that has happened to us and everything heading toward us. We want the details not so that we can be aware, but rather so that we can be in control. We want to take care of ourselves, control our future, and lead our lives.

There are some things that we do not get to control. We do not get to control why people we love get sick and die. We do not get to control why people who say they will always be there and care for us stop loving us and leave us broken. We do not get to control what people say or think about us. We do not get to control very much. That which we do control, our human response to our surroundings and experiences, is rather limited.

Some "Why's?" may get answered through life experiences or people explaining their reasons. While others will be left to either fester like an infected wound or gather dust as they eventually lay forgotten in the corner of the closet. Most often, though, the "why's" will not be answered. I do not mean this to be a negative post in any way; I am just trying to be real, open, and vulnerable.

Honestly, knowing the "why" does not ever change the situation. For the most part, if we were to know the "why," it would reopen the wound or even create a deeper wound.  In the rare cases where, after time, you are provided with the "why," it does allow for closure or healing in some circumstances. However, change comes through moving forward and asking ourselves, "what now?" "Now that I am here, what now? What are my next steps?" These questions are not just questions for ourselves, but are for us to ask God. Instead of asking "But, why?" over and over again like a three-year-old prolonging a conversation, we need to start asking, "What now, God?" or "Now that I'm here, what do You have for me next? To where do I turn? What do I do?" Finding an answer to the "what's" of life are more substantial and can be the catalyst for change in your life.

God is ever faithful, even when I consistently bother him with the "why's" I have, to remind me of this scripture:

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."

Isaiah 43:18-19

The best thing that we can do in life is to keep moving forward without hanging onto all the unanswered "why's." Those unanswered "why's" can lead to bitterness, anger, isolation, and fear. We are not made to live in those things. Rather, we are made to live in the fullness of this life, enjoying it hand-in-hand with God.

So no matter what "why" you are facing right now. Stop asking "why" and starting figuring out the "what now" through seeking God. Do not dwell on the "why" you don't know or the apology you were never given. Instead, recognize that God is trying to do a new thing in you, in your heart, and in your life. But, YOU have to move on from the "why" to find the way through the wilderness to the wonderful that is yet to come.

Learn to live, to love, and to trust your heart again.

You Can't Avoid the Process

Sometimes to process we have to go through things before we can move forward from them.

I'm a processor. I don't like to have to make rash or on-the-spot decisions. I like to hear every side of the story and see a circumstance from every available angle. I like to process things. Sometimes this can make life difficult for the people around me; often, when people want an answer or advice for a circumstance or situation they want it right that moment, however, I am usually unable to provide that immediate gratification.

As much as I like to process things, I do not like to go through the process.

The process can be hard.
The process can be  painful.
The process can be  jagged and broken.
The process can be  remorseless.
The process can be  difficult.

The process makes me want to give up.

The process is refining.

The process is necessary.


We must go through the process.  We cannot avoid the process. It is only by going through the process, that the future is unlocked. When we try to skirt the process or run from it all together, we may go down a different road, but eventually will end up back at the beginning of the process. This cycle repeats until we make the choice to consciously go through the process. That decision is difficult because it means choosing to have pieces chiseled out and those that can't be chiseled out, refined by fire. Choosing to go through the process means actively reliving events, circumstances, and difficulties in order to allow God to remove them and heal us entirely - heart, mind, body, and soul.

The process does not guarantee us immediate gratification of the answers to the questions we are asking or solutions to the situations we are facing. The process does guarantee that we will encounter the peace of God as through the process we draw closer in the presence of God.

So, if you are coming out of the process, be open to God using you to encourage others through having vulnerability and sharing your story. If you are in a steady period of life, be prepared that as you level up it will require you to go through the process. Lastly, if you are in the process, hold on. Hold on to God - let go of the control. As you go through the process, know that you are being built up for the things yet to come. These things will be wonderful new adventures that will stretch you in ways never imagined, take you to places never envisioned, and fulfill the purpose that God is slowly revealing in you over time. So take heart, my dear friends, and go through the process.

The Thing I Hate Most

When I was growing up there was one word that we were not allowed to use. Okay, there were many words that we were not allowed to use; the most inappropriate word I used as a child was "shoot" and oh my goodness did I get in trouble, but that, my friends, is a story for another post.  The word that we were not allowed to use was hate. This is because using the word hate meant that we loathed something or someone to the point that we wished it gone from the earth entirely. My father taught me that there is nothing or no one so bad that we should hate it or them.  I agree with this sentiment, however, in the light of full disclosure there are some confessions I need to make of things that I do hate.

I hate spiders.
I hate lies.
I hate betrayal.

But mostly, I hate running. I know, I know, that was somewhat anticlimactic. Let me clear the air a bit since there are many who probably cannot even begin to understand how running outranks lies and betrayal. This is because lies and betrayal come from others and when people lie to you or betray you it is because they are operating out of hurt and pain. I am not saying their actions are justified because they are not, but I am saying that hurting people hurt people and unfortunately this world and our lives are full of hurting people.

I hate running. This insane thing here is that if you asked me what is one thing I do almost every day for exercise, I would answer with running. It is okay - you can shake your head. I understand; it makes no sense at all. I run and yet I hate running. For me, running is that thing through which I can slough off the day and all its parts that I do not need to carry around. When emotions get involved or when it has been a truly terrific or absolutely terrible day, it shows up in my running through either the length of time or the tenacity with which I drive my feet into the ground much to my chagrin the next day.  I run to release.

In reality, this running to release and running to exercise is not actually the running I hate. The running that I hate is when we run from God. This takes form in choosing our will over His or when in our pain and sorrow following a difficult circumstance we run from His sight and presence. Or, at least, we think we run from Him. The amazing thing is that there is no distance that we can run wherein we can outrun Him or be removed from His sight. His love and presence engulfs us in our running just as it does when we sit before Him. It is not because of anything we have done or because we are anything special in the sight of the world. It is simply because there is no place we can go that His love doesn't stretch out to us to return to him. The thing that we fail to realize in our running is that even as we are running away, God is before us setting out a course that we can choose that will bring us right back into His arms, into His presence, and into the knowledge and rooting that we are loved by Him who created us.

So my question is this, why then do we still choose to run? It is time to stop running from God because of the pain of the past, the problems of the present, or the worry of the future. It is time to turn in the running shoes and trust the path that God has for us. It is time for us to return and give up running and choose instead to remain.

Deeper than ever before

The idea of going deeper is scary at times and reckless at others; it all depends on your perspective.

I remember swimming at a family friend's pool and having to stay in the shallows because my parents weren't in the pool, but were right at the edge watching. I desperately wanted to move into the deeper end because then I could jump in and actually swim, not just stand.  I longed for the deeper water, but it was reckless. My mother was worried about me going to the deeper end alone because if I went there by myself there was no certainty of what would happen, no control. But then something happened, my Dad jumped in the deep end and treading water began to call out to me. After longing for the deep waters, now that my Dad was there I began to swim to him. However, after a few short strokes I pulled up short, suddenly fearful of what would happen in the deeper end. I questioned myself, "Am I a good enough swimmer?" "What if I can't do it?" "What if I'm not strong enough?"

So I stopped just at the point in the shallows where the incline into the deep waters began, yet I could still stand with my head above water, barely. My Dad again called out to me, "Lauren, come on. I'm right here. I've got you." I stood there and looked at him and then back at the shallows where I could easily play, where I could easily CONTROL my surroundings, my actions, and the majority of the response. I fully trusted my Dad, I just didn't trust myself enough. I doubted that I would fail before I could reach him and that would put everything and everyone in jeopardy, not just myself.

We do the same thing with God. We have this intense longing to push out into the deeper waters of a more intimate life with Him. This venture into the deep requires total trust and casting off all doubt. It also requires us to realize that we cannot control our lives or our future. Rather, we must trust God to control it, to align everything as it should be for His will. We must relinquish our grasp on our doubts and these things we can control, and instead take that one step that will take our heads beneath the surface and into the incline of the deep.

In the same way that my Dad was at the other end of the pool beckoning me into the deep place that just moments before I had longed to go to, God is looking at us and motioning to us to come on and take that step. He is saying that He is right there and we have but to take that step and move into the deep. The amazing thing is that when we decide to go for the deep, HE IS ALREADY THERE! He knows what is coming, what will happen, and who we will become in the process.

So we have a choice, we can continue to look upon the deep and never step foot out of the shallow waters or we can act. That summer, in that pool, I realized that if my Dad was already there that it would all be okay, whether or not it went as I though it should. This was based in the knowledge that my Dad cared for me, loved me, sought to protect me, and wanted to push me to do more and be more than I ever had been or done. In order to do that it would take courage, the courage of venturing into the deep. 

So now, in this position of my life where I have often ventured into the deep with my God, I find myself looking at an ever deepening water. I look back over my life and realize that every deeper place over time becomes a new shallows and that all too soon I come to another incline that beckons me ever deeper. How incredible it is that we have a heavenly father, a God who wants us to come ever deeper into a depth that knows no bounds. There is not point at which we have gone as deep as we can because there will always be more to know in God and in His will for our lives.

I pray that you have the courage to move into the deeper, however that looks for you and your life right now. Just move. Listen. Hear Him - He is calling you out and into that depth. In His love. In His promise. In His plan. In His will. As you move into the deeper look around, for I know that I will be there too, moving ever deeper. I am sure too, that if we continue to look around we will find that we are surrounded by others pushing to go to the depths, as well.

The Story Scars Tell

If I were to say the word dots what would you think of?

To a nurse, there might be a quick flash of images of measles, chicken pox, or some other rash-like nastiness. To an artist, the thought would stray to pointillism wherein a series of what looks like dots up close, in reality when viewed from the correct perspective is a beautiful picture or masterpiece. To a fighter, it could be the dots in their vision after an upsetting loss by knockout. To a parent, it could be the fingerprints that seem to be everywhere just after cleaning up. To a car aficionado, it is the spots of bird feces that find the windshield just after a fresh wash and wax. To a teacher, there are thousands of things it could be from periods forgotten at the ends of sentences to marker marks on children's faces and so much more.

When I think of the word dots, the only image or thought I have is scars. I believe that every scar tells a story; some of these stories are of tragic wounds, others of courage and bravery, some of victories and triumphs, and still others of heartache, brokenness, or loss. Scars are important, not to take us back to the things we encountered that could have destroyed, broken, or ruined us, but to remind us from where we have come and to give us hope for the future yet in front of us.

I have scars that can be seen, others that can be hidden if I so choose, and still others that are invisible to the eye. I am not the only one; we all carry scars. Every now and again my scars will ache and I am immediately transported back to a moment in time, a memory, a laugh, a conversation, a smile, a tear, heartache, or joy. There are scars from relationships, friendships, grief, loss, courageous moments where I stood up for others, injuries sustained, and in one instance the hope and promise of new life. Now the new life that I speak of in this instance is not the life that I have received in Jesus, or the promise of new life given through bearing a child. In this instance, the scars I have that are from the promise of new life are scars that I bear proudly because they were for my Dad.

My Dad.

He was courageous. He was brave. He was both a man's man and a sensitive man of compassion and hope for others. He was a man who unashamedly loved his wife and truly would shout it from the mountaintops for ALL to hear and whisper it in her ear with his words dripping with the magnitude of his love. He was a man who sacrificed his time, sleep, and so much more for his children and family. He was not perfect and would openly talk of his flaws, but lived with in the knowledge that he was a good man with a good heart and a life that was better than anything he could have created or imagined for himself. My Dad had non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. One of the later courses of treatments he encountered was the need for a bone marrow transplant. As such, his siblings, myself, and my siblings were tested to see who was the best match. After a series of events, I was chosen to be the bone marrow donor as I was a full match to my Daddy. I am not going to go into the intricacies of how they pull the bone marrow or the length of time the surgery took; it is too much information and would warrant a separate post. I will tell you that across my lower back I have seven dots. These dots are the entry points for the surgery that removed the bone marrow that was then given to my father that began a work in him. A few months after the transplant, my father ended up receiving the ultimate healing in that he went home to the home we were created for, heaven.

But, the dots remain.

These dots, these scars were the promise of new life in and for my Dad. The promise of healing and cancer defeated and a life yet to be lived. My dad taught me this lesson throughout my life and in his death, we are not finished when we are defeated, we are finished when we quit. My Dad never quit and I will never quit. I will never quit feeling my scars. I will never quit loving people whether they love me or have wronged me.  I wear these dots, these scars; most of the time they are hidden - not to keep them a secret, but because I seek modesty and they are on my lower back after all.

When these scars ache I think of my Dad - the good times, the hard times, the lessons learned, and the love given. These scars have marked me in a physical way that will never fully disappear. I relish in these scars because they were an opportunity to give to someone everything I had in a way that could never be repaid, pure love - a love that requires nothing in return.

In the same way, there are scars that you and I, as well as people past and future, have caused and are yet freed by. Those scars lay upon Jesus Christ and provide the promise and truth of new life. That new life is found in Him and is not limited by our short time on this Earth, but rather is eternal, forever, and unbound by time. Those scars are a physical representation of the sacrifice He bore to ensure that we did not have to pay the punishment for our mistakes, our choices, our sin. Rather, through Him, we are able to experience and live out salvation, forgiveness, mercy, grace, and love. He loves you. It doesn't matter if you return it. It doesn't matter if you think you don't deserve it. It doesn't matter how poorly you see yourself. It doesn't matter how far you've fallen or how dirty you have become. He loves you. That is not going to change. He loves you.

Just in case you need to hear it one more time, HE LOVES YOU!

That is the story scars tell.

Fairy Tale Syndrome

Growing up, there were many things that my family did together. We went for hikes and walks, played basketball on the gravel driveway, watched movies, and read together, just to name a few. One of my favorite events in the evening took place just before bed, the reading of stories.

I love books and reading; I actually kind of have a problem with books. Between my classroom library and my personal collection, I have too many, enough in fact that I should probably just start my own library. Books fascinate me, not in the escape from reality way, but rather learning from someone else's story. Everything we encounter has the power to change us, if we allow it.  Every single story matters.

When I was a child, my parents read to me every evening. For that, bed time was one of my favorite parts of the day. Not only did I have my parents attention, but we were immersed in a story together. The selections were vast, from animals to pirates to classic children's books to fairy tales.  This is a tradition that I hope to one day continue with my own family.

I loved all the stories; I hungered for books in the way that someone who is starving hungers for a simple crumb. Some of the stories read were fairy tales. Fairy tales have similar plots. It begins with a main character who is genuine and compassionate going about every day life. Then, they randomly encounter a handsome stranger. Next, they have an encounter with a villain who challenges everything and puts the main character into an impossible situation. Then the main character is rescued by the stranger who turns out to be a prince. The villain is vanquished and the prince and the main character live happily ever after.

Oh the power of those three words, happily ever after. They instill hope and delight in the mind of a small child. But, what happens when a generation of young children grow up believing that they are to be rescued out of their situations by a handsome stranger riding in on a white horse, only then to be swept off their feet and live happily ever after? Now understand, I believe in the power of fairy tales in that they show children that they can be brave and do more than they ever believed possible.

But, somewhere, some lines got crossed and little girls everywhere became young women and adults who are stuck with Fairy Tale Syndrome. Look, believe in love and love at first sight. But, also know that love, real love, agape love, takes work and selflessness. Life is not the perfection of a simple fairy tale; there are real struggles and real issues.

Young women - you do not need to wait on Prince Charming for rescuing. Instead you need to RUN to the KING, your heavenly father. The struggles or circumstances you face are refining you for your future. The victories and triumphs you are experiencing are to be shared with others to encourage them. Run hard for God and His plan for your life and at some point along the way, Princess, the Prince that GOD has for you will appear. However, it will not be to rescue you, but to run alongside you that you may both run hard toward God and His perfect plan for your life.  This does not mean that you can keep looking over your shoulder or to the right and left saying, "God is that him? Or what about him? Or that guy over there?"

Stop.

Focus on God. Trust in God. Let go of trying to write the story and realize that God has it and is waiting on you to just start running to Him and He is going to turn the page and either continue the chapter in which you find yourself or begin another.

Safe on Shore or Brave the Deep

Every Saturday morning for the last few weeks, I have woken up early and driven forty-five minutes to one of my favorite places, Assateague Island. Once there, I stand in awe as I watch the sun rise over the Atlantic Ocean. It is different every time; it is majestic every time. The last few times I have gone, it has been below thirty degrees plus the wind coming off the ocean. It can be brutally cold and some of my friends have asked, "Why do you do this? You drive all that way to see the sunrise then get back in your truck and drive home. It makes no sense. Why?"

What they fail to see is that the purpose of these trips to see the sunrise at Assateague is to stand in awe of the majesty of God.  In addition, it is about getting away from normal life to a place where I can be alone and separate myself to be immersed in the presence of God. On these mornings, I sit and read, journal, worship, walk the shoreline, and stare in wonder at the glorious creation that surrounds. It is at the same time overwhelming and centering; it brings both peace and passion.

This past Saturday, I was walking the shoreline and stopped to stare out at the ocean and as far as I could see East, the ocean stretched out. Now, next to me on the shoreline the water was shallow, freezing, but shallow. However, if I were to venture out into the water in a vessel, the further from shore I went, the deeper the water would become. These thoughts inundated my mind as I realized that in learning to trust God fully, we have the choice to stand on the shore or press out into the deep.

Now pressing out into the deep will cost us some things. It will cost us hopes and dreams that we will have to surrender to God's will. It will cost us our pride and our strength.  It will cost us to let go of the fear which so easily grips us because of the uncertainty of the next steps and grab hold of God alone.

It is easy to say and to think that we trust God when we are standing safely on the shore. This is because standing on the sand, while not as firm as concrete, is still something that we are used to standing on. Standing on the shore, we speak trust and belief in God and this is good. But, at some point we are going to have to get into the water and push out into the deep. If we are to do that which God has planned and envisioned for our lives, then we must take courage and move. Pushing out into the deep requires trust and it will build trust within you as only times of hardship or difficulty can. It is only in trying times, difficult circumstances, or through heartbreak that total trust in and reliance on God can be formed.

I am still learning what it means to truly trust God in every single situation, especially when His will for my life doesn't line up with what I thought was coming next. The bottom line is that to trust God is to brave the deep, knowing that He will take care of every moment past, present, and future, and living in that knowledge and love.

Are you just existing?

In the hustle and bustle of busy adulthood it is easy to look up from life and find that you've aged years and that a chunk of your life has gone by. In today's society, people are encouraged to keep running from place to place, trend to trend, event to event, and so on. This leads to lives that are fast-paced and busy. However, rather than lives well-lived and lived deeply, the majority of people just exist in their life. It is as if they are placeholders in their own story waiting for the day that they can chase after their dreams and goals, but until that day comes just existing in the revolving door that is the daily routine of life.

The time has come to stop existing. You were created for more than simply existing. You were created for more than a basic life of busyness. Rather than trying to exist in a life full of events, you needs to live a full life. This means to take courage and chase after your dreams now. This also means that it is time to get dirty and do the work that prepares you in your current place for your next place.

Existing has bred a mentality of shallow living in the hearts, minds, and souls of people. Wherein people live and move on the surface only and disregard real depth. You were made for the depths. You were created to feel and feel deeply. You were created to care for others deeply, for your heart to break for people even when your own heart has been played, cheated, hurt, broken, betrayed, or destroyed. Do not become callous and begin to simply exist through your life. Choose to live deeply even in pain or sorrow. It is in deep living that you become capable of truly doing life with the people around you.

Whatever you do, do it deeply and with all that is in you.
If it is grieving, grieve deeply.
If it is loving, love deeply.
You must feel and you must venture into the depths and be transparent with those around you. This is not to say that you should live in a constant state of sorrow or defeat if that is what you are feeling. Rather, the point of this thought is that living, really living requires depth, passion, courage, trust, and faith.

So stop existing and start living.

My Very Center

Life-giver.
World-changer.
Hope-bearer.
Healer.
Love.

These are only some of the words that apply to Him who is my very center, Jesus. I think of a life without Him and am washed over by despair and pain; my heart breaks for those who have yet to know him or who once knew him but have turned away. I think of the darkest and most difficult days of my life and the choices I had to make in those moments; choices to cling to Jesus in hope and hold out for better days to come.

Life comes with its share of triumphs and trials, people who seek to love and provide hope and people who seek to tear down and destroy, and both hurt and healing. I am so glad that Jesus is a life-giver, literally. He gave His life so that all would have the opportunity to encounter and engage with God despite our wickedness or sinful ways. He gave His life so that the world could be changed, so that all would have the opportunity to know God fully and know that they are known by Him.  He gave His life to bring hope to a world filled with despair.

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends" (John 15:13).

 

There are so many significant realizations that can be drawn from that one verse.

 

(1) There is no greater display of love than that which Jesus did by giving away His life in exchange of our own.

 

(2) We are called His friends - the magnitude of that statement has the potential to overwhelm.

(3) Having true love for the people in our lives requires selflessness and sacrifice.


There is this idea floating around Christian circles that salvation is a "free gift." However, nothing could be more incorrect; there is nothing free about the gift we have been given in salvation. Salvation required rejection, demoralization, torture, and ultimately death. A death that was given by Jesus Christ. Now, the story of salvation doesn't end in death because Jesus beats death, was resurrected on the third day, and is ALIVE.  The gift of salvation had a cost and it was a cost that was willing to be paid by Jesus because of the depth, width, breadth, and height of the perfect and unconditional love He has for each of us. A love that would require Jesus to sacrifice his life.

What would it look like if we responded to the lives around us with such a love. A love that knows no borders or boundaries. A love that requires no payment or purchase. A love that requires to likes or favorites on social media posts. A love that is founded in the selflessness of caring about someone more than we care for ourselves. A love that is centered in Jesus Christ. A love that fights for the heart of the people we love even if they are no longer fighting for our hearts. A love that brings us to our knees until our knees are tattered, torn, and shredded from the weight of the prayers that have been laid down. A love that can transform the world one heart at a time.

Oh, to love like that...

Captive

2 Corinthians 10:5 says, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every though to make it obedient to Christ."

If only we would actually begin to live out the promises that are found within this scripture. The knowledge of God is infinite and greater than all we could ever hope to understand. The knowledge of God contains grace, mercy, forgiveness, hope, faith, and love. Therefore, the arguments and pretensions that become set against those things are selfishness, doubt, fear, bitterness, anger, strife, and pride. When we find ourselves in the midst of a brawl against those negative and hurtful parts of life, we must remember that those things are set in direct opposition of the truth and hope of God.

We have the power, through Jesus Christ, to destroy, obliterate, and tear down anything that does not line up with the promises of God or the truths of God. We must begin to speak out against these arguments and pretension through journaling and actually vocalizing the words. There is nothing formed against us that shall prosper when we are in Christ. Thus, we must begin to remove the things that hinder us, weigh us down, and tell us that there is no hope to be had left.

The second portion of verse 5 talks to taking captive every thought. To take captive is to keep something within bounds, to remove its power or freedom. Our thought life has the power to restore us or destroy us, but the choice is up to us. When we listen to the lies of the enemy, the doubts of others, or the fears that plague us, we feed into our own destruction. Just as, when we mediate on the Word of God, listen to the promises spoken over our lives, or speak hope into our circumstances, we root ourselves in encouraging thoughts that fill us with life.  When we take every thought captive, we are choosing to be intentional in what words we allow to affect our lives, our dispositions, our circumstances, our present, and our future. To take every though captive, is to remove the power of the words themselves until we reconcile them to the word, way, and plan of God for our lives.

We cannot simply stop at taking each thought captive though, we must then make it obedient to Christ; this is the part that is most often forgotten. To make it obedient to Christ is to take the thought and ask if it is something that is intending to harm, destroy, root, or encourage. If the thought or words are to harm or destroy, then we must in turn tear apart those words and tear out the root cause or promoter of those words. If the thought or words proffer hope, faith, love, and life, then when we compare them to Christ, they align and we must then take in those words to be filled with grace, compassion, faith, and love.

So, today, as you go forward in each and every step that you take, I pray that you would know that the thoughts that are coming against you that are seeded in doubt, loneliness, despair, worthlessness, fear, or shame are not FOR you, they are to destroy you, and come from the mouth of the enemy. I pray that you would not entertain those thoughts, but instead, that you would speak out against them in the Power and Name of Jesus Christ.


Know today that you are prayed for, that you are cared for, and that you are loved - you will always be loved.