Facing challenges

This weekend held some challenges. As is often the case in my life, I set goals that are challenging and often unattainable within the timeframes allotted. I enjoy the challenge and oftentimes it keeps me from relying on myself and my strength. The strength within me is fatigable, whereas the strength that is supplied from God in my weakness is indefatigable. I love to dream dreams and have goals wherein I must say, "But, God." To break that down, I mean that I love to see and share how things in my life simply are all because of the movement, strength, grace, and love of God.

Although I enjoy a good challenge and try to rise to the occasion. The challenges faced over the weekend were not of my own doing, but rather due to another. This challenge is something that I have faced often over the last few months and is something that I thought I was over and through. However, I realized that this was simply not the case. As this realization struck me, I became overwhelmed with shame and hurt because in my way of thinking, "I should be done with this by now. I should not still be here. I should be past this by now." I am very critical of myself in terms of dealing with things in the proper timing. However, I forget that my timing is not often correct; rather the timing of God is perfect. Thus, if I am still dealing with this circumstance than there are two reasons. (1) I still have something to learn from it. (2) I still need to proffer more forgiveness.
... well maybe there are more than two reasons. (3) I need to really let it go. (4) I need to stop picking at the wound, let it heal, and trust God's plan.

God humbled me with these realizations that there is still more work to be done in this circumstance - in my heart, my head, and my spirit. There is a part of me that simply wants to be done with it all and another part that wonders if it will ever be truly done. There is a confusion that no amount of conversations with friends, mentors, or family can clear. This confusion is held at bay simply by spending prolific amounts of time on my knees, in total surrender. Yet this weekend,  I was surrounded by confusion, hurt, what-ifs, pain, unanswered questions, shame, and more.

I am thankful that God does not leave us in those moments. Rather, He steps in, grabs hold of us, and simply says, "It's okay. Just let it go. Let it all out." At least, that is what I heard in the middle of the night when I was in the middle of dealing with this. I felt as if I was truly being held in the embrace of another, being allowed to bang my fists on their shoulders, and just let it all out - everything that I've been holding in, trying to hold it all together. I was held as I just let it go.

I am still processing. I am by no means finished with this, but I have relief now in that I don't have to carry this by myself. Instead, the weight falls to the shoulders of another, one who loves me even when I don't know how. How thankful I am for a Savior who loves me in my brokenness. 

Then, on the way to work Monday morning, I heard a song that pierced my heart and let me know that I am okay. It reassured me that although choosing God's will may come with heartache, sacrifice, or sorrow, it will also come with grace, hope, and peace.

I’m so confused.
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here

I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you’re good
But, this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about

It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God.
And I am not.

 

So
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store

I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store

This song is Thy Will by Hillary Scott. Since Monday morning, I have heard this song so many times and each time it is perfect in its timing of my day. I am still going through the process. I will continue to trust God that nothing is wasted and to trust His will, plan, and timing.

If you are facing confusion, loss, doubt, heartbreak, pain, betrayal, doubt, loneliness, or anything else, know that you are seen and heard by God. Even though it does not feel good and is hard to walk through these times in life, you are not alone. I am here with you. Others have gone through it before you and others will go through it after you. In life we are always in three stages (1) preparation for the valley (2) in the lows of the valley (3) celebrating the victory of rising out of the valley to the mountaintop. So no matter what you are facing or what stage you are in, cry out to the One who always is for you, always hears you, always sees you, always is with you, and always loves you.

Let this prayer be a balm for your soul, your mind, and your heart: thy will be done.

The Value of Time

I am very eclectic in my taste of music. It ranges through a variety of genre and artist. The first time people ride with me, there is usually a comment about the vast differences in my preset stations. I know...I'll try to get to the point.

Over the past few months, there has been this song that I keep hearing. The first time I heard it, I thought that it was an interesting mix between a spoken word and song. I enjoyed the rhythm of the song; it just made me want to sway to it while listening and working. However, the more that I heard the song, I began to listen to the lyrics. They simply just break my heart...specifically this part:

 

I don't have to meet your mother
We don't have to cross that line
I don't wanna steal your covers
I just wanna take your time

I don't wanna go home with you
I just wanna be alone with you

I don't wanna steal your freedom
I don't wanna change your mind
I don't have to make you love me
I just wanna take your time

Everyone seems to love this song and many don't see any problem with the song, it's lyrics, or the statement that it makes about relationships today. So maybe it is just me and I have misinterpreted the lyrics, and if that is the case, feel free to stop reading this now. But maybe, just maybe, I am on to something here. Take a moment, hear me out, and then decide for yourself.

We are not guaranteed the amount of time we have on this planet, as such I believe that we need to value our time. In relationships, there seems to be this idea that the best thing is just to have someone there when you need them and then move on. This kind of "convenient" relationship is easy to maintain because it isn't a relationship it is a series of meet-ups with nothing substantial. The end result is that one party eventually feels more and ends up lost while the other just moves onto another person to do the same thing with. This is the type of relationship that many people have settled for where it is about getting attention, having someone to go out with, and having someone when you need them so that you are not lonely. This type of relationship is not worth the value of your time.

You are priceless and as such, your time is priceless. So while there is no problem in going out and having fun with your friends, this take your time type of relationship is the death of romance, substantial relationships, and commitment.  I am not saying that you need to know whether or not you could spend your life with someone moments after meeting them, but I am saying that the person you deserve doesn't want to simply take up your time.

The right relationship will be able adding value to your time, just as you will add value to their time. It will be about getting to know everything about you and meeting everyone in your life that is important to you. It's not an "I'll just take whatever I can get" process. Rather, it is about connecting with that person that seeks to let you know just how valuable your time is and pursues everything about you.

Again, this might not jive with everyone, but for me it speaks to the heart of relationships. The viewpoint of the world on relationships is very jaded and very skewed. For me, I don't want anymore of that. I want real. I want depth. I want value. I want intentional time with purpose. I don't want to waste my time.



Let Nothing Be Wasted

I have experienced joy, triumph, hope, victory, growth, peace, forgiveness, and love.  This life is not one-sided, however, and as such, I have also experienced defeat, sorrow, loss, pain, heartbreak, devastation, and isolation. Though my story is far from over, despite the many chapters that have already been written, there have been many lessons learned both through the good and the bad.

There is power in our stories, we have but to share them with those around us. When our stories are shared, nothing is wasted. This is my constant prayer -

Lord, let nothing be wasted.

Let no tear or terror,

no fear or failure,

no loss or heartbreak,

Let nothing be wasted.

Let no love or triumph,

no hope or joy,

no victory or process,

 Let nothing be wasted.

 

In going through life as transparent as possible, I have learned that I must allow all of me to be available to God. The stories that He chooses to use and share are not mine to contain. Every moment of our lives can be used to encourage others whether through our failings or our faithfulness. It takes making every part of you, every thought, every moment, every breath, and every heartbeat available to God. It is not easy. There are words that I have spoken to others that I had no idea that God would pour out of me to encourage them from stories less than glowing in terms of my character. It will never be easy, but it is the only way that I can live.

 

I feel deeply. I have always felt deeply. There was a time in my life that feeling so deeply caused me to run behind walls and hide the true me from the world and all those that had hurt me, as well as to prevent further harm. However, in that time I was not living, I was hiding. It took friends who loved me enough to speak the truth to pull me out of that darkness even if it hurt. From that place, I have come to another where I refuse to hide. I feel deeply. I grieve deeply. I love deeply. There is no other option in my life. This is my heart. This is how I am wired. This is me. To deny that part of me, would be to deny all of me.  Feeling deeply for all those around me can be exhausting, but I would rather be exhausted and live on the strength of God than run back behind the walls I tore down.

 

I have loved deeply and been loved in return. I have experienced love that has broken me to pieces. I do not regret loving so fully or so deeply. Nor do I have any anger for those who loved me and then left me broken. The truth is I love them still and will in some ways, always will. In the days following heartbreak, I was shattered being pieced back together by God and just praying for nothing to be wasted. Since those moments only a couple months ago, God has used me to speak life into relationships that were on the brink of destruction, to pour hope into a couple on the verge of letting go of twelve years together, and to speak life into a friend who is now walking through a situation similar to the one I just went through. He is always faithful.

 

The darkest days of my life were going through my father's battle against cancer, his death two years later, and the months following his death that I spent trying to figure out a new normal. I clung to God. It truly was all I could do. I prayed and prayed to God to let nothing be wasted, not his life, not his love, not my pain and heartache. I prayed that God would use me to speak into others going through similar circumstances. I have lost count of the people who have walked into my life at a point when they needed someone to just come alongside them as they had just been given the hard news about a parent, child, or other loved one. I praise God every time that nothing is wasted and for the strength to be available to God always, to be used by God always. It hurts every time, but I grow stronger every time, and I am used in someone else's life in just the moment they need to hear that they are not alone and that they can walk through these days. 

 

This is why, no matter the circumstance - trial or triumph, I will pray, let nothing be wasted.

I believe it. I will live it.