The Longest Walk

If I had known that night that you were not just walking out of my apartment, but out of my life, I wonder if I would have behaved differently. Would I have pulled you back in and told you that your past doesn't matter to me? Would I have told you that I see the real you, the one that you try to hide from your boys and the world because you think it will make you look soft? Could I have convinced you to stay? Could I have convinced you to try?

That is only a smattering of the questions that have run through my mind since you walked out that night. You told me it was a great night and that you couldn't wait to do it again and began to make plans again. But, then it all changed after you walked out the door that night.

The next morning...
Your texts changed.
Your tone changed.
Your communication changed.
Your desires changed.
You changed.

No longer was I on the list of things that were great.
Nor was I a priority.
You were back in the world of your boys and just looking for whatever you could get.
With me, it was a place at the table, instead you settled for scraps wherever you could find them.

We were walking two different roads and instead of trying to figure out the walk together, you just left.

You left with no explanation.
You left me doubting myself.
You left me to wonder why I wasn't worth your staying, but instead deserved your leaving.

I wish someone had told you that if anyone had reason to walk away, it was me. But, like a fool, I wasn't walking away. I tried. I gave. I poured into you. I enjoyed getting to know you, the real you, the you that hardly anyone else sees. The guitar playing, joke making, smiling, sweet, kind, fun guy that I was beginning to fall for.

I guess I am lucky that before I could fall all the way, you shut the door in my face.
But, I wonder if I will always remember you walking out my door and unbeknownst to me at the time, out of my life...



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Please understand, dear reader, that I am not mad or unforgiving. Nor am I clinging to this past relationship. My heart hurts when people fail to see their worth. But, I am always shocked, nonetheless, when hurting people hurt people. Taking the risk to love someone is just that, a risk. Sometimes it will end up with us hurting, questioning, and wondering why. Other times it will lead to an incredibly beautiful thing that lasts through our lives.

In order to love others, we must first understand love. God is love. Therefore, I am loved because the same God that formed me, loves me unconditionally and forever. He loves you unconditionally and forever. So, I will keep loving people and taking risks on love and taking risks on people. I hope that you will love too.