Breaking But Not Broken

This weekend I was driving to my sister and brother-in-law's house for a birthday celebration. Due to issues with roads from recent flooding, I was forced to take the back roads. I came to this realization only at finding myself at a detour that would take me further away from their house. So, I doubled back to go a different way.  I enjoy driving, especially through the country, and especially during autumn. I love the changing colors, the crispness of the air, and the peace of the outdoors.


It was during this drive that I encountered a song that ended up getting stuck on repeat, well selected to repeat. Driving through the backwoods, I was in a country music mood and stumbled across the song Break On Me by Keith Urban. The thing about being real and authentic and someone who lives in the depths, is that sometimes things hit you in ways you weren't expecting or prepared for. That is what happened with this song. One moment, I am enjoying a leisurely drive through the country smiling at the scenery and the next, I am gripping the wheel as tears drop into my lap.


The song goes like this...

There'll be days your heart don't wanna beat
You pray more than you breathe
And you just wanna fall to pieces
And nights, those two AM calls
Where dreams become walls
And you just need a break

Break on me

Shatter like glass
Come apart in my hands
Take as long as it takes, girl
Break on me
Put your head on my chest
Let me help you forget
When your heart needs to break
Just break on me

There'll be times when someone you know
Becomes someone you knew
But you'd do anything to change it
And words you wanna take back
But you know you can't
When the page just won't turn
And it still hurts

Break on me

For a while now, I have felt like my life is continuously breaking. Just when one area calms down or gets smoothed out, another falls to pieces. I have struggled with balancing the breaking with the reality that my life is to serve and lead others. It has been difficult to finally realize that both can happen at the same time; they are not mutually exclusive.

If I am to be completely open and honest, I have struggled because it feels like there is no one who can truly handle the weight if I were to release everything and just break. I am blessed with friends and family who support me and also me to release some things. Also, it is hard to trust others with your broken pieces because not everyone who asks how you are actually care; some just want to be in the business enough to talk about you or put you down to others.

Mostly, I do not like to burden others, so many things I keep to myself and between myself and God. It is hard to feel like you are holding broken glass in your hands so that it doesn't shatter someone else's life, only to realize that by holding on to the broken pieces, your hands are being shredded in the process. 

The person I could break on fully is gone from this place to a place with no pain, sorrow, or suffering. My dad was someone who I knew could handle my brokenness and still remind me of the strength I possessed even in that brokenness. Then, I had to learn the hard way that not every man who says they are going to be there for you in life and wants a future with you, will  always be able to make good on that statement - yet again no one to break on and just be me with. Then to think of the tiredness I feel from holding my broken pieces even as others are showering me with theirs. (Side note - I am grateful that God has put me in the lives of people who trust me enough to bring me their trials and victories for prayer and hope. I pray that no matter how hard things get in this life, that God would continue to always send me people who need encouragement, love, support, prayer, and hope.)

All of those thoughts ran through my mind and an incomprehensible speed and they left me at a loss for words. All I could do was listen to the song, let the tears fall from my eyes as I blinked, and drive on. As the song replayed, I could feel God beginning to speak to my heart, saying:

"Baby girl. You can break. You can break on me.

I know you. I formed you.

I see you.

I love you.

You are breaking, BUT YOU ARE NOT BROKEN.

It is in this breaking, that I am transforming you

from this season to the next.

There is pain and heartache. I don't like to see you hurting,

but know that I am with you in this process.

I don't leave you to struggle alone.

I am piecing you together in a new way that has never been seen before.

I am piecing you together for a purpose that has not yet been accomplished.

Trust me. Remain in me.

I am good and I am for your good,

even when it does not feel good.

It's okay to break. Give me the pieces.

Stop holding them. Release them to me.

I am using them in a new way.

Trust me. I've got you."

It is not easy to share this, as it is intensely personal. However, I believe that there are others who are doing what I was. Others who are holding their shattered pieces with hands being torn apart. Others who are breaking on people who can't handle their weight or don't truly care. Others who are breaking internally and hiding it by jumping from thing to thing or relationship to relationship or job to job. Others who are breaking by hiding it because they feel that since they are in leadership that they always have to "have it all together."

Just stop. It is okay to be breaking --- YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. Let the pieces go because the same words God spoke to me are true for you. This is the time of transformation. Trust Him with all the pieces and know that what He is creating in you is going to be more amazing that anything you could do with yourself.

  

When It's Over

After a breakup, it is difficult to find a new rhythm. It takes time - time to rediscover who you are, what you like, what you want, where you want to be, and where you actually are. That is just the beginning; the real work comes when it is time to mend and repair your heart. Thankfully, God is a master at taking what is broken, melting it down, and rebuilding anew.  It has been a few months since I faced a really difficult breakup. Many people in my life were excited that he and I were no longer together because of their own opinions and were very vocal in their joy that we were no longer in a relationship. Those statements only served to further break my heart. He was a good man. He was just not the man for me, nor was I the woman for him. It is what it is.


For me, it was one of those prayerful seasons of claiming and asking for God's perfect will for my life and for his life even if it meant that our lives would not continue together. When you pray those prayers, you must be ready and willing to accept the response. It took my breath away when it happened and continued to steal my breath during moments over the months to come. I do not give love lightly or easily. Nor do I date widely or haphazardly. I know that I am not for just anyone or everyone, therefore not everyone will be given access to me or my heart.


Over the past months, God has brought me into an ever-deepening and ever-widening understanding of His Presence, Purpose, Timing, and Will. These months have had me on my face and my knees more than naught and I am not embarrassed to say so. Rather, I hope that my transparency in this will provide you hope that if you find yourself in a similar situation in the future or currently, that you will press in to God and trust Him to combat the waves and trials you face in the aftermath of a broken relationship. The last month or so, I have felt peace and a calm that is only attributed to God. In this time, I knew that I had moved on and it was finally over - my heart was healed and I could step out and forward into the unknown.


Hah - was I ever humbled when out of nowhere something popped up that brought it all to the forefront and I got upset OUT OF NOWHERE! I couldn't believe it; I just knew that I was done. I trusted God; I was healed. Then, just like that God brought me to a place - a hidden and hurting place wherein I found one last stronghold of pain, doubt, and fear. I opened up to a couple amazing women of God in my life and found myself being stretched, encouraged, and challenged to attack the stronghold and finally let go the last pieces that unknowingly I had been holding on to.


So, I did. I attacked that stronghold from a position of victory - my knees. I took it to God, surrendered it all and then took action. I removed reminders of him and disposed of them. I became conscious of attacking the thoughts that would pop up and remind me of him or our adventures together. It is not a one-and-done type of deal; I'm sure that I will face further attacks, but I will face them as I did this, from my knees with the knowledge that I operate from victory.


So, to pull it all together:
- Have people in your life that can push in, stretch you, and encourage you to step up to where you ought to be. Live in community, just make sure that the voices you are listening to are coaches, not critics.
- Being broken doesn't mean you are a failure, it means that God is ready and waiting to rebuild you in His image for His purpose.
- Faith is a journey, that is why 2 Corinthians 5:7 says, "For we walk by faith, not by sight."


I am not pained by errant thoughts any longer. I am open to where God is leading. I am able to stand in the knowledge that I am not for everyone and will not make myself available to just anyone. God uses the process to develop us and teach us to press in to His presence continuously, no matter our circumstances.












"That's When You Know It's Over"

"When the time of the year don't stir up the tears anymore
When it don't feel like the past is a gun and there's nowhere to run anymore
When it don't take every bone to not dial her [his] number just leave her [him] alone

That's when you know it's over
That's when you know you've made it over to the other side,
Ready for another ride
That's when you know it's over

When you wouldn't go back even if you could
When hearing she's [he's] happy finally feels good

That's when you know it's over"