A Father's Heart

This year of my life has been pretty epic thus far. With three months left until my next birthday, Father's Day having just past, and one day of the first camp of the season coming to a close, I find myself in a rather pensive state. I am reflecting on all that has happened during this year of my life and in the three years since my dad went on from this place to heaven.

This year started a new decade in my life, as I turned 30. It has been both incredible and destructive and around every turn I have wanted nothing more than a conversation with my Dad. 30 has afforded me many interesting opportunities that I have faced head-on and tackled including finding a new apartment to buying a new vehicle.

30 has also seen love and heartbreak as I began a relationship with a man, with whom I saw the potential to spend the rest of my life with. A man I loved deeply and dearly and would have walked through fire or storm with. That relationship was not to last and caused a lot of pain and heartache. But GOD! When you yield everything to Him and say, "Only your perfect will, will do," you have to be ready for anything and everything. So while that relationship was real and substantial, ultimately God had other plans for him and for myself. In the moments following the ending of that relationship, all I wanted was an enveloping hug from my father and to hear the words, "It's all right, Punk. It will get better from here. You are enough. You are more. You will be okay." Although, I could not hear those words from him, I felt them and that has to be enough.

There have been so many things that I have faced in the three years since my father's death and every time, without fail, I always think about what he would be doing or saying if he was here for these moments. Understand, I know that my father is in a place of joy where there is no more sorrow, suffering, or pain. He is in heaven singing "Holy, Holy, Holy." He is dancing at the feet of Jesus. That image brings me solace and hope. The last three years have seen God do an incredible work in my heart and life from unfathomable honors and blessings to harrowing failures. I do not regret any decisions or choices I have made. I have learned. I have loved. I will continue to press on until I, too, am called home.

So, although this first year of my thirties will rapidly come to a close, I am by no means finished. I will push harder, shout louder, love deeper, pray without limitations, and pour myself out on everyone and every thing that surrounds me. I will believe GOD for everything that HE has planned for me. I will continue to dream "impossible" dreams and live vibrantly. For anything less would be a waste.

I am a continuation of my Father's heart in this world, in my family, and in my life. I am part of his legacy and he is my heritage. So too, will I seek to see others through the eyes of my heart as my Heavenly Father commands. My heartbeat contains the rhythm of my Dad's and will always beat to the tempo of my Abba Father.

Have a good night.

What are you willing to break?

There is a song that I have loved for many years. It always seems to come back just when I need to hear it, Alabaster Box by CeCe Winans.

The room grew still as she made her way to Jesus
She stumbles through the tears that made her blind
She felt such pain, some spoke in anger
Heard folks whisper, "There's no place here for her kind."

Still on she came, through the shame that flushed her face

Until at last, she knelt before his feet

And though she spoke no words

Everything she said was heard

As she poured her love for the Master 

From here box of Alabaster

This song alludes to a story that is found in Matthew 14:3-6. 

3 While he was in Bethany, reclining at the table in the home of Simon the Leper,
a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard.
She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head.
4 Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, "Why this waste of perfume?
5 It could have been sold for more than a year's wages and the money given to the poor."
And they rebuked her harshly. 6 "Leave her alone," said Jesus. "Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me."

These verses do not convey much information about the bearer of the alabaster box except that it was worth a year's wages and that she broke the jar. For a woman in this time to sacrifice the contents of this jar was to sacrifice the security that came with a year's worth of wages; a security that was not easy to come by for a woman.

In addition, she broke the jar that was made of alabaster which is very strong. She did not need to break the jar to empty it of its contents. But, she chose to break the jar in order to make sure that every single bit of the perfume was used on Jesus and that nothing was left behind, not one ounce. 

And I've come to pour, my praise on Him

Like oil from Mary's alabaster box

Don't be angry if I wash his feet with my tears

And I dry them with my hair

You weren't there the night He found me

You did not feel what I felt

When he wrapped his love all around me and 

You don't know the cost of the oil

In my alabaster box

I can't forget the way life used to be
I was a prisoner to the sin that had me bound

And I spent my days, poured my life without measure

Into a little treasure box I'd thought I'd found

Until the day when Jesus came to me 

And healed my soul with the wonder of his touch

So now I'm giving back to Him 

All the praise He's worthy of

I've been forgiven and that's why
 I love Him so much.

All too often, we spend our days pouring our lives into things that we can hold onto and show off to the world. When we pour our lives into things for our pride, wealth, or accolades, we are setting up idols. In doing this, we are saying that our most priceless possessions are these things - our pride, wealth, accomplishments, relationships, and material items. This is not how we were meant to live our lives.

And I've come to pour, my praise on Him

Like oil from Mary's alabaster box

Don't be angry if I wash his feet with my tears

And I dry them with my hair

You weren't there the night He found me

You did not feel what I felt

When he wrapped his love all around me and 

You don't know the cost of the oil

In my alabaster box

We were created to pour our lives out onto others. In Matthew 14:3-6, it shows that the woman broke the jar of her most priceless possession in order to cover Jesus with the perfume, to give honor, in an incredible act of love. In the same way, we must break open the jars of our most priceless possessions whether they are pride, relationships, material items, et cetera. We must break them open and pour it out to Jesus, to give him all and everything. To hold nothing, not even one ounce of our life, back from Him.

He is deserving of our every breath, every thought, every spoken word, every action, and every beat of our heart. Pour out your life to Him and He will show you how to pour your life out onto the people surrounding you. As you pour out, He is faithful to fill and refill you so that you may be poured out again. It is in this, that we find that perfect fulfillment of our lives. 

Conscious love

Our love must be conscious and must be relevant. It must be authentic and it must be genuine.  So, too, must our ministries strive to be the same thing - a conscious, intentional, active love.

All too often, love is seen as this ambiguous thing that made up of rainbows and fluffy bunnies, or the looks that love-struck middle school students exchange. Or more commonplace in contemporary society and especially in the dating scene, love is misconstrued as the attention we receive from someone of the opposite gender.

Love is so much more than that. Love is both noun and verb. Love is emotion and choice. Love is choosing to stick with someone in the darkest of days and lowest of valleys, as well as in the triumphs of life. Love is choosing to fight through the battles with each other and not fight against each other. Love is putting another and their needs above your own. Love is words. Love is thoughts. Love is action. Love is. Love does. Love will continue to do.

We are able to love only as much as we know love. We know love from God and when we are consumed and filled with that love, we are able to pour out that love to others. We must also see ourselves through the lens of love. All to often, when we look in the mirror, we only see our flaws, mistakes, and past wrongs. We need to see the reflection that God sees - a son or daughter who is made perfect through the blood of Jesus Christ. A son or daughter who is loved beyond all measure and whose worth was determined by their Creator, not based on the views of people they have encountered in this life, nor is it based on the mistakes and wrongs of their past. We must truly love ourselves in order to selflessly love others.

What does love do?
Love chooses to stay no matter what is faced.
Love speaks hope and encouragement.
Love stands up in strength when others are weak.
Love shows up when people simply need the presence of another.
Love does not judge based on past actions, rather it says, "I am here. I will remain here."
Love outlasts and overshadows death.
Love casts our fear.
Love breathes life into those who are ready to give up.
Love restores us from our past hurts and wrongdoings.
Love heals broken hearts.
Love looks into the eyes, hearts, and souls of those around us and says, "You are more. You are enough. You are precious. You are known. You are needed. You have a purpose. You are loved."
This list could go on and on forever. Real love is intentional, relational, and requires sacrifice.

So remember...
You are loved.
You can love again no matter what you have faced.
You are alive and with every breath can choose to love and love deeply.
Love God. Love this life. Love who you are. Love others.