Not Me

So, I was driving and thinking about a situation I recently faced. I was in a group message with a bunch of people. The message was asking if I wanted to go to the State Fair one night this week. Now, as I was receiving the messages, it didn't matter whether or not I wanted to go to the fair. It didn't matter because I was confused as to why I was in the group message in the first place.

This confusion was due to knowing the person who initiated the message and the other people included in the message. I am friends with the person who began the text thread, but everyone else in the message is in a different group of friends with him. So, as soon as I received the text, I began to think that this message wasn't intended for me. Rather, that it most likely was intended for a different Lauren, a Lauren that "fit" in the group of people in the message.

So, I privately messaged that person just to check it and ask (not in front of all the others) if that message was meant for me. The response was lighthearted and along the lines of "No, haha, not you. Thanks." I was not hurt by this in any way; I was glad to have an answer. But then this ugly voice reared up and said, "This wasn't for you. It was for someone else. Not you. Story of your life. It's not ever for you."

Whoa! Where did that come from. I wasn't hurt by the situation, but that voice was trying to turn the tide of my thoughts inward to thinking, "Yep. Nope. Not me. Story of my life."


Not me.
Not me.
Not me.

Wow, but I can't stand when that thought arises of "not me." To clarify, this isn't a statement of "not me" as in "I am going to refuse to do what needs to be done." Instead, this "not me" is the statement of "that couldn't possibly be meant for me."  It is disconcerting the number of times that I have been in conversation with students, leaders, friends, and other people and heard them say, "No. Not me." or "That's not for me." or "I could never do that. That's just not me."


If I allowed the Not me's to stack up in my life they could look like this:
Follow the career plan that I set for my life? Not me.
Meet the guy in college? Not me.
Get married and have kids? Not me.
Have a house? Not me.
Lead in positions I've been offered? Not me.

This way of "Not me" thinking can translate to our conversations with God.
He provides an open door, but our response is "Not me. God, you don't mean to give that to me. You should give it to someone more qualified, more proven, more than...well...more than me." Or, "God, there's already other people doing this same thing and doing it well or doing it better. You don't mean me. You don't need me. Why would you need me to do it too?"

What we fail to realize is that each one of us will reach different people in our lives and through our lives. So, why me? It's simple, it's me because God said so. Why you? It's you because God said so. That's where the conversations starts and ends. It's not "why me," or "not me."

Understand that the purpose on your life (1) will only be completed by God in you and (2) that you must choose to remove the "not me" mentality and go for it!

You have to go for it even when you can't see where it's heading or what step to take. Stand against the "not me" statements and step forward into all that you are and all that you are called to do.

An Unexpected Overflowing

For too long, I have viewed my role in this life as being filled up to pour out. Over the last week, through an incredible pastor who spoke at IGNITE camp, I have come to realize that the view I held was distorted. By being filled up, then pouring out, then filling up, et cetera over and over again,  there are inevitably periods of time in which the vessel is empty. It is those empty moments between pouring out and being refilled that have often been very difficult to navigate.

This past week, I watched in awe as I was shown a different way to pour out. Instead of being filled up to the brim and then pouring out until the vessel is empty, the vessel was poured into until it was overflowing into a bucket beneath it. In this way, the vessel was pouring out, but without ever becoming empty. the vessel was pouring out from the overflow.

In the same way, we are called to pour out from the overflow. God wants to pour into our lives until we are overflowing into others lives. Once we understand this and position ourselves accordingly, there is nothing that cannot be done and no one that cannot be reached. I am excited for this new season of pouring into others from the overflow of what God is pouring into me through His presence, His Word, and words from His people.

Dear Heart

A prayer for you, dear heart:


I do not know what you are experiencing in this moment. But, I know that there is nothing that we experience in this life that is isolated to us alone. Every pain and every heartache has been known by others and is seen by God.

Heartbreak

Isolation

Desertion

Temptation

Judgment

Trials

Sickness

Death

Grief

Sorrow

Despair

Depression

Loneliness

Divorce

Addiction

Financial Hardship

Infidelity

Slander

Libel

Envy

Greed

Jealousy

Sexual Immorality

Pain

Dishonesty

Theft 

...and so much more.

Again, I do not know where you are in this or if your present struggle is even listed above.

I do know that:

You are seen.

You are known.

You are loved.

You are desired.

You are cared for.

You are not alone.

You are courageous.

God's promises are for you.

God is for you.

You are beautiful/handsome.

You are enough.

So, dear heart, I pray for you...

Abba,

I pray for the dear heart reading this today. I pray that they would know that you see them. I pray that they would sense your presence. That they would feel you drawing near to them. God, touch their circumstances. Help them to see you despite the struggle they are in and facing. Help them to know that you are for our good even when things are not good or do not feel good. I pray comfort over them. I pray hope over them. I pray, God, for your will to be done in their lives and in their circumstances. I pray for change, radical change that can only be attributed to you. I pray breakthrough. I pray love and peace. You, God, are in control; help this dear one to know that they are seen by you, loved by you, and known by you.

Amen.

 

The Longest Walk

If I had known that night that you were not just walking out of my apartment, but out of my life, I wonder if I would have behaved differently. Would I have pulled you back in and told you that your past doesn't matter to me? Would I have told you that I see the real you, the one that you try to hide from your boys and the world because you think it will make you look soft? Could I have convinced you to stay? Could I have convinced you to try?

That is only a smattering of the questions that have run through my mind since you walked out that night. You told me it was a great night and that you couldn't wait to do it again and began to make plans again. But, then it all changed after you walked out the door that night.

The next morning...
Your texts changed.
Your tone changed.
Your communication changed.
Your desires changed.
You changed.

No longer was I on the list of things that were great.
Nor was I a priority.
You were back in the world of your boys and just looking for whatever you could get.
With me, it was a place at the table, instead you settled for scraps wherever you could find them.

We were walking two different roads and instead of trying to figure out the walk together, you just left.

You left with no explanation.
You left me doubting myself.
You left me to wonder why I wasn't worth your staying, but instead deserved your leaving.

I wish someone had told you that if anyone had reason to walk away, it was me. But, like a fool, I wasn't walking away. I tried. I gave. I poured into you. I enjoyed getting to know you, the real you, the you that hardly anyone else sees. The guitar playing, joke making, smiling, sweet, kind, fun guy that I was beginning to fall for.

I guess I am lucky that before I could fall all the way, you shut the door in my face.
But, I wonder if I will always remember you walking out my door and unbeknownst to me at the time, out of my life...



-------
Please understand, dear reader, that I am not mad or unforgiving. Nor am I clinging to this past relationship. My heart hurts when people fail to see their worth. But, I am always shocked, nonetheless, when hurting people hurt people. Taking the risk to love someone is just that, a risk. Sometimes it will end up with us hurting, questioning, and wondering why. Other times it will lead to an incredibly beautiful thing that lasts through our lives.

In order to love others, we must first understand love. God is love. Therefore, I am loved because the same God that formed me, loves me unconditionally and forever. He loves you unconditionally and forever. So, I will keep loving people and taking risks on love and taking risks on people. I hope that you will love too.

Promises

I do not care for promises.

I know that when they are made, the people making them generally believe that they are going to hold up to what they say.

But, all too often promises are naught but words that never become truths.

Don't promise me flowers.
Surprise me with them.
Don't promise me dinner.
Just come over with groceries in hand.
Don't promise me time.
Show up to listen and be heard.
Don't promise me love.
Love me consistently over time in word and deed.
Don't promise me forever.
Until you put your ring on my left hand. 

Hungry Hearts

I have heard that when our hearts are hungry that they will accept anything, especially lies in the form of “love.”

I have a slightly different perspective of a hungry heart.

Growing up, my brothers, sister, and I always wanted a dog. We thought it would be a great addition to our family. Besides that, dogs are just awesome! When we finally got a dog, thanks to the baby brother’s incessant requesting (side note: I am always amazed at how everyone can suggest something, but as soon as the baby of the family asks, it happens. This is not said in a grumbling way, but more as an aside. I am thankful for baby brothers. Plus, if you get them to ask, you have a 99% chance of a yes versus the 5% chance of a yes as the oldest child. haha), we were thrilled.  Around the same time, one of my friends also got a dog.

There was a big difference between their beagle and ours; namely their dog was a beggar. That dog begged all the time. He whined. He whimpered. He howled. He barked. He nosed. He pawed. He paced. He begged and begged and begged. He begged for the smallest table scrap of human food. The amazing thing was that unlike our dog, whose meals consisted of dog food, my friend's mom made their dog gourmet meals that used good cuts of meat, vegetables, et cetera. So here was a dog who had amazing meals prepared just for him of great quality and yet, he would beg for a chip or scraps of leftover meals or snacks from any available human.

 

I have found that my heart can act in the same manner. When my heart is hungry, I can settle for table scraps instead of realizing that my Father has set a table for me. A table at which I have a seat, a place of prominence or importance, spread with the richness and bounty of my Father’s provision. Items that have been untouched by other hands.

 

So, why then, when my heart is hungry, am I satisfied for table scraps from those who are mere distractions in my life and nothing of substance?  I crave the one whose rib I carry, but am held transfixed by the flitting of butterflies and the warmth of words that are meant for a moment but do not carry the weight of a lifetime.

I know that I am not the only one who has walked through a season of having a hungry heart. It is a battle that many people face. It affects those who are single and those who are married. It does not discriminate by gender, race, or creed. A hungry heart can destroy all that we have lived for, worked for, and hoped for. When I find that my heart is hungry and I have turned to the words of those who are around me but are not for me, I am laid low. In that lowness, the soft whisper of God prevails, and I am reminded whose I am and who I am. I am reminded that although it can be hard and difficult to wait on God for the things that my heart desires, that I must yearn for God and be filled by the love of God first and foremost.

The love of God fills to the point of overflowing so that our hearts are no longer hungry and will no longer seek the words or actions of those whose "love" is not really love. It is, instead, words and actions of a selfish desire to get as much as they can in a moment without consequence of the future. I will not yield to those words or desires, seeking instead my God who loves me and who sets a table before me. I will wait on the courses He has prepared that will come to the table when they are ready and not before.

I pray that if you find yourself in a season of a hungry heart, that these words would find their way to you. That you would know that there is a love that never runs dry. There is a love that is more than can be imagined. There is a love that is selfless and pure; a love that says come and see what I have for you. Be filled with the love of God and stop running to others to fill an empty heart with words pouring out from another with only an empty heart to offer, as well.

His Missing Rib

¹⁸ The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”


¹⁹ Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. ²⁰ So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals.

But for Adam^[f] no suitable helper was found. ²¹ So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs^[g] and then closed up the place with flesh. ²² Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib^[h] he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

²³ The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
    for she was taken out of man.”
(Genesis 2:18-23)

Being single is often difficult. People who truly are trying to be uplifting or kind can say some of the most unfortunate things. Phrases like:

"I don't understand how you are single."

"So, you don't ever want to be married or have children?"

"No one's perfect, just pick one and settle down."

"You're getting older, you just need to settle."

"You are single because God is still working on making a man good enough."

"I know this guy..."
"You are too strong. Most guys won't like that. Can't you just be less..."

and my personal favorite...not...

"You know, it will happen when you least expect it." 

As I said, these people often are not trying to be rude or ridiculous. They just have no concept of what it really is to be single for any consistent length of time as an adult. Nor do most in today's society understand that just dating anybody in order to be dating somebody is unhealthy. Just as it is unhealthy, it is just not my style.

I am aware that I am not for just anybody. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not saying I am any better or worse than anyone else on the planet; all I am saying is that I am not created for just anybody or everybody to have access to. Yes, that can be isolating. Yes, it is often lonely. But, I am happy and I am a work in progress. I am not looking for some man to complete my life; my life is complete in Jesus.

I am preparing myself for a life with the man who complements me and whom I complement. I am not talking about compliments or flattery here. I am talking about the deep intimacy of two people who are formed for each other mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am waiting for the man whose missing rib I carry. I believe that in the same way that God purposed Eve and Adam for each other, that He has purposed me for someone and him for me.

It is not easy to wait on God and His timing. No way! It is ridiculously difficult at the best of times.  I have fallen prey to distractions and disappointments. I have tried to search out the man to whom this rib belongs and ended with my heart shattered on the ground. Searching him out is not how this works. The only one I am meant to search out is my God. I am after my Father's heart and my Father's business. The man that God has for me will be about the same. I know that one day, out of no where that I can see or understand, the man for whom I am for will be standing beside me. He will reach for my hand because my Father will have said to him, "Her. Yep, her. That's her!" As I let him take my hand, I will hear my Father say to me, "Do you see now why you had to wait? Him. This is him."

Some will say that I am unrealistic and that I should troll the dating sites and hangout in crazy places to "find the guy." Sure, those things can work and do work for some people. But, as for me, I will trust God's timing and placement. I will continue to work diligently with all that God has entrusted to me. I will continue to pour into a generation of children at school and youth at church. I will continue to make myself available to those in need and to those for whom my story and history resonate. I will continue to trust that God is far greater and knows far more than I ever could.

So, to all the single people out there thinking about giving up the fight and settling for the one who is just available because you are lonely and tired of being alone - Don't give up! Keep seeking God. Keep trusting His timing; His timing is often not on the same schedule as ours, but He is always on-time. Take this time, while single, and pursue the things that set your heart on fire. Challenge yourself to be a better you with each passing day, to have a heart set firmly in God.